#welcomehome

My big sister called me up at 5 in the morning to tell me she was heading to the hospital to have her baby. I HATE being an hour an a half away sometimes. I feel like I miss out on some of those every day moments. But I know I am lucky to have the moments I do get with her little family. And boy do I cherish them. Anyway, I am excited to get to spend the day coaching my sister during labor. Even though it was the most intense labor I have ever witnessed. But mama and baby came out beautiful and perfect and my heart is so full I can’t come down off this high. And seriously. My sister. She is a rock star. And has all this inner strength, I truly envy. I may have thrown a minor temper tantrum, but I strong armed Adam into letting me stay overnight to help her throughout the night. Even though I really was no help at all. But it was fun to be there. And to try to be helpful. Seriously, all you new moms out there. You women are beasts. It is hard. I remember. But my memory was definitely refreshed.

So anyway, after a complete day away from my four wild children…. I came home to chaos. My husband asked if I could handle him going into work. HAHA. A full day being a full time dad probably stressed him out. As he is chomping at the bit to get out the door, both Elsie and Charlie had found the glitter I had locked away in a cabinet. I should have thrown it away with my first experience with glitter. But I am a hoarder. So I hid it. Because they won’t find it. And someday we are going to want to use glitter. As I am exclaiming the most classy of expletives, Adam is seriously RUNNING out the door and not looking back. And for all of you who know Adam, you know he does not run. His one speed is slow. Apparently when he knows shit is going down, he can kick it into gear. I will hold that against him.

So our kitchen and dining room floor are sparkling. Because no matter how many times you sweep, that shit does not come up. And to make matters worse. They dumped entire tubes of glitter in their hair. I mean an entire freaking tube of glitter IN THEIR HAIR. It looks like someone puked rainbows in their hair. And it is to the roots. No matter how many times you wash and brush it, that glitter is there to stay.  Anisten. Her sweet, chunky, eatable rolls. Well she decided as I am sweeping that she’s going to trudge through my little glitter pile. If you lift up her second or third chin, glitter is just clinging in between her little rolls. She looks like a fairy just said fuck this shit and poured her bag of fairy dust all over her. I will never buy glitter again. Glitter will not enter this loving home again. MARK MY WORDS. BAN GLITTER. And to whoever invented glitter. I have a huge case of FUCK YOUs to send your way.

But life goes on. Until your 7 year old son comes in from playing outside with his face painted with who the hell knows what kind of paint. Because where did he find paint? Was it outside? It was probably hidden with the glitter. “Do you like my face painted, Mommy?” FUCK NO, I don’t like your face painted. That means I have to give four damn baths tonight and I am exhausted from trying to be helpful with your aunt and new baby cousin! Obviously I didn’t say that. But I am pretty sure my face said it all. All as I am kicking myself in the ass replaying the whole “suuuure, I’ll be fine tonight, go to work, honey,” conversation in my head.

So you know what was for dinner tonight? Benadryl. That is what is for dinner.

And all you people about to call CPS. Don’t worry. I obviously didn’t feed them Benadryl on an empty stomach. I gave them cereal first.